Posted on Mon Mar 21st, 2016 @ 7:46pm by Commander Soren Aalto
||Personal Log: Aalto, Soren B.
I wish I could sleep.
I've Bear curled up on my chest in the big chair in the front room. A cup of lemon balm tea in hand and a nice lilting orchestral score playing low in the background all in the hopes of quieting my mind, but it's just not working. All of these questions and tidbits of scene keep rumbling around inside my head and I find myself drawn to them. Asking after them. Second guessing actions. It's not like me..
If it were regrets I could deal with that well enough. There's plenty of those that pop up at night and remind me in their own tinny little nags that I'm not where I wanted to be at my age or how, still, my life is not my own. How I'm still living in the shadow of absent parents. These are more character driven. Not about what I haven't done, but what I did do.
Such as Haruna.. I could have argued with Joe more about taking her down. Regardless of the need to prove herself or right her wrongs or whatever was the ultimate reason for her going down there, I knew in my heart that it wasn't right. The girl's not frail. She's not hapless. She was an innocent and now that's gone. Some of that by her choice, but still.. partly on me.
Or all of our wounded and those we put down. Put down! That terminology isn't for people! But it was very much what we did and it's.. it's so much a loss.. Merciful, yes, but was it right? Was it what should have been done?
E'kruk's last communique. Could we have prevented her death or would it have cost the lives of the people we were rescuing?
The whole damn mission. All of it. The moment the musing of an assault came up, why didn't I fight it more? Why didn't I say more? When did negotiations cease to be my first option? Was it when the invaders came swarming in the first time and attacked the crew on ship? Even so, is that enough to change my moral high points? Did I blind myself to the machinations of factions a and doom a greater whole? Or am I overthinking this now.. Did I put too much trust in others and handicap my own voice? Was it right? Did I do right? Did I help damn my own people?
I don't know. I don't even know what to begin to ask myself to cross-examine answers if there are any to be found as many of these questions of mine aren't even mine to answer. I just wish they'd be quiet long enough to sleep as tomorrow's coming far too fast.